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May. 31st, 2005 @ 03:51 pm
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i have a headache
i have to be at work at 6 am 2morrow which really sucks
i feel miserable
or maybe its just the PMS
and thats about it
oh yeah i have to pay my cell bill |
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May. 27th, 2005 @ 02:42 am
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Okay, so this is my first entry and I still have to get this journal looking the way I'd like. I guess this journal is for me to try and effectively put down all my thoughts, instead of leaving them as volatile words. One of my childhood friends and I have recently made contact again, thanks to the almighty thefacebook.com ha, and it seems like he was so troubled then and now. However, I never really remembered him like that, there's like so much I don't remember growing up, and I guess I never really had it all that bad. In my memories this kid was always smiling, even when I saw his picture on facebook he looked exactly the same but older. I followed the link on his page to his livejournal, and from the little that I read, it's like he's questioning so many things. One of his reasons for starting his journal, was as a way to remember past events, that's what made me give this a shot. As I write this, it's one of those times when I just have uncontrollable tears, and a stuffy nose, and refuse to look at the face that will reflect in the mirror because it's too red, and too sad.
It really saddened me that he's been so troubled. I guess because I knew him when i was a kid from ages 6-13, and I see myself in him too, he always had a huge crush on me. We talked about classmates, and such on aim. I know it's cliche to say this, but sometimes I just want to turn back the hands in time. I look back on those days, and I wonder how I changed from that smiling girl. I feel like I've made so many mistakes, and I don't even have any good reason for having made them. I'm 18, have like 1 or 2 girl friends that I can truly say probably care about me, a boyfriend that I daydream about marrying, and live with my mom, that I wish I could actually talk to, and tell her my problems.
The only person that knows I had sex when I was 13 is my boyfriend. I told him, it wasn't that much of a good experience, but I haven't really told him everything I feel about it yet. I didn't realize I was raped until recently, I guess I have a mechanism of only remembering those things that I'd like to remember. Even now that I realized it, I probably would never admit it to anyone. I've always been a half-tomboy and take pride in being independent and strong, and being raped of course would be a sign of weakness. I just finished reading Random Family, which is a non fictional narrative based on the lives of a family in poverty in the south bronx. so many of the women were sexually abused by men in their family, even the little girls, even the babies. The world is just so demonic, and I'm grateful I didn't have to grow up in an environment like that because I probably wouldn't have everything that I have now.
The guy that had sexually abused me was around a year or two older than me, and he was choking me in my room, while my mom was gone and forcing me to have sex with him. That's about all I can say, which is alot because as I've said I've never admitted any of this to anyone verbally. After that, it's like I had sex with guys, just to have sex, just to make them happy and never have to be in a situation like that. I've been having sex since I was 13. Sometimes I'd like to think that if I never was in that situation the first time, I would be a virgin when I got married, or closer to it.
My first love wasn't much better. Another form of abuse, except this time it was more mental. This guy would feed me his feelings, then taunt me with other girls, and just unknown hatred towards me sometimes. I was in that "relationship" with him for years. As I look back on those days, some days our relationship was just beautiful you could see how other people in the street would just look at us, and see how happy we were. But other days, i can't even describe, those days I would be scared to be with him in public. I'm really thankful that I had him in my life because, ?? i'm not sure exactly but we both helped each other out when life seemed to have been too hard to live. I can see now how unstable, and unhealthy our relationship was. But to me, it's always been the same with guys, me always wanting.
I really feel strongly about my boyfriend now, and i know he feels the same of me. we just go together so well. we've known each other for years already, but have only been together for a few months. just writing about him makes me a little bit happier. i have to stop getting so shy, even now sometimes when i'm with him. i've opened up alot to him, but there's still an inch left to go, on both parts i would say. I get so scared that something will happen to him, like he'll get hurt or arrested or who knows what, because it's just so beautiful, and a grace from God. I find it hard to put my feelings into words with him which sucks, I'll work on it, i'm just scared. if there was a man that i'd want to unravel my life, and it's stories with it's him. our first kiss, was in his car, by the park lol so typical but sweet. we had spent the day just walking around the village. at one point I had put my arm underneath his collar to rub his back while we layed down looking at the stars through his sun roof, when he said that that was the spot where his tattoo was. it quieted me because I knew his tattoo was dedicated to his nephew that had passed away. i just continued to trace my fingers over it, without words, hoping that he could feel my sentiments through that touch, and my invitation for him to always be himself with me, which he already is, i hope it stays like that.
so I guess that's all I have to type for now, other than the fact that I think I'm going to fail 3 classes this semester because I didn't go to the last 4 weeks of class, because I was depressed because of a severe dermatidis condition lol and the fact that I could be going to an ivy league school if only I had made wiser choices in which high school I attended. because, my school is so easy, that i just don't feel like going, I'll have to fix that. i'll try to write in this journal every day, even when there's nothing to write about. so ic an venture deeper into my old memories, and preserving the fresh ones.Current Mood:  sad |
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